Write_in_Red (write_in_red) wrote,
Write_in_Red
write_in_red

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Life in Oklahoma 2. whatever...

Today is August 2nd.

I think about this day all year round, but it always manages to sneak up on me somehow. I'm so aware of it, the countdown starts at months and progress to weeks; however, when the actual day is upon me it's like I purposely lose track. I guess some part of me is wishing that maybe I won't remember and I could make it through the day without feeling like there is a hole in my chest the size of a black hole. Kids are supposed to bury their parents, its the way of things; but not until they are old and grey, not until they have witnessed all those milestones in our lives. I feel so cheated, and my poor sister...She just had my nephew about six weeks ago, he has this dimple in his chin T got from Dad...the first time her boyfriend's dad held the baby I thought she was just going to break apart...I thought I was...it hurt so bad, but nothing like today does.

Tears run down my face, and my chest hurts so bad; not from the crying, but from this ache I just can't make go away. I rub at it, and it just reminds me I can't actually get to the root of the problem. I can't make it go away...

Four years ago today my mother woke me up with a soft shake on the shoulder, and I knew as soon as I saw her face that he was gone. I remember thinking that it wasn't fair, I was supposed to have months to prepare for this day. Kidney Cancer came back they said; 3 1/2 months at most I was told. I had been steeling myself for it. I was a week and a half away from boarding a plane to leave for a semester abroad when we found out he was sick again. He told me there was no way I couldn't go; told me to go see Ireland for him, look for that side of our family in every rock and glen, to achieve that dream I'd had since before I knew what a dream was.

So my bags stayed packed, and two days after his funeral I got on a plane to Ireland. At the ceremony I remember thinking maybe its better this way, and then feeling like the most horrible daughter in the world. This way I got to be at the funeral, I got to say goodbye, I was able to hold my sister as she cried, and I lied to her like everyone always does and told her it would all be ok, someday...This way my mother didn't have to call me from half way around the world to tell me that he was gone and we didn't have enough money for me to come home. This way I didn't have to dread every email from her saying she wanted me to call home to talk...

I traveled Europe, and saw so many wonderful things and in every church I went in to I lit a candle to let my dad know I was thinking of him every step of the way. I didn't make friends like everyone else that semester, I barely got to know the girls I shared a room with. I didn't sleep, I took naps when I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer; and I became so quiet. I was struggling to stay afloat and no one could see, and no one cared. It was the worst and best time of my life. I took 8 gigs of pictures in 4 months, and wished with every snap I could show him just one.

I saw a train station a couple hours north of Dublin with our last name; and just wanted cry and laugh at the same time. He would have loved that.

I started out this fucking anniversary with my sister and a movie. But she has fed the baby for the last time tonight, and ha bundled the two of them off to bed. I'm alone, and I'm listening to the same song on repeat, just crying. This ache in my chest can't last forever, it has to let up soon, right? God, I'm so glad this day only comes once year...


They kissed goodbye at the terminal gate
She said, "You're gonna be late if you don't go"
He held her tight, said, "I'll be alright
I'll call you tonight to let you know"
He bought a postcard, on the front it just said Heaven
With a picture of the ocean and the beach
And the simple words he wrote her
Said he loved her and they told her
How he'd hold her if his arms would reach

Wish you were here, wish you could see this place
Wish you were near, I wish I could touch your face
The weather's nice, it's paradise
It's summertime all year and there's some folks we know
They say, "Hello", I miss you so, wish you were here

She got a call that night but it wasn't from him
It didn't sink in right away, ma'am the plane went down
Our crews have searched the ground
No survivors found she heard him say
But somehow she got a postcard in the mail
That just said Heaven with a picture of the ocean and the beach
And the simple words he wrote her
Said he loves her and they told her
How he'd hold her if his arms would reach

Wish you were here, wish you could see this place
Wish you were near, I wish I could touch your face
The weather's nice, it's paradise
It's summertime all year and there's some folks we know
They say, "Hello" I miss you so, wish you were here

The weather's nice, in paradise
It's summertime all year and all the folks we know
They say, "Hello" I miss you so, wish you were here
Wish you were here

Wish You Were Here - Mark Wills

I'm not really sure why I keep repeating this song, it seems counterproductive to not crying; but some part of me wants to imagine that those words are close to what Daddy would say to me if he could. I may be 26 years old, an adult now; but I feel so small today and not strong at all.

I hate the 2nd of August.

Tags: life in ok, me: f*ng anniversaires, me: fml, sister: t, t+1 = baby
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